My World

My Life in 2020

Getting back to normality

Life is getting back to normality although there are still restrictons in place. It is a relief as we have got to the stage of not wanting to go far. It’s a good thing we have contented pets although we have lost our beautiful Cassie our very happy staffie.

She became increasingly more agitated and didn’t like us leaving home regardless of whether we were taking the dogs out for a walk or us going out for another reason. The vet reassured us that we were doing the right thing but I still feel guilty even though it was stressing me so much that she was getting so aggressive with it. I’ve only just got used to Cassie not coming to bed with me and lying under my knees. She knew my moods and could be so gentle but we had to do the right thing for her.

Bandit aka Bam-Bam has calmed down so much although he still has his scatty moments. Peggy-Sue and Storm are very tolerant of Bandit and they are getting very close. He has such a sweet temperament and is very comical.

Rick is self-isolating for 6 days apart from getting a COVID-19 test done on Saturday. He will be getting some tests done next week with the fun bit starting tomorrow. Rick has got to be on a bland diet then the day before he will be on fluids only. It’s going to be a long 6 days.

Trouble sleeping

It’s been getting very stressful not sleeping well at nighttime. I can’t ‘blame’ it on anything in particular apart from depression which is getting worse because I’m not sleeping well. Each day feels like a groundhog day which probably doesn’t help either.

We still don’t know when the health club will be open again though hopefully it will be early July. It will be interesting to see what ‘social distancing rules’ will be in place. At the moment it looks like it will just for members only, regular cleaning of hands and only so many members allowed in at a time. The speculation is on changing room protocols.

The weather is very unpredictable and I am fed up of being too cold or a bit too hot. A few days ago Rick had the bright idea to go on a longish walk when it was hot although there was a bit of a breeze. We were both flagging the closer we got back to home. I was shaky, had a headache and felt sick so I was very relieved to get home.

Continual boredom

Although we are begiinning to be able to have more ‘freedom’ it’s still tiring being restricted so much in what we can do. My concentration is up and down but it’s worse when I do want to get on with stuff because I have a V.D.H. (very demanding husband).

I have been missing the health club anyway but what makes it worse is that the weather is incredibly hot. I would welcome being able to go swimming just to cool down although I do also want to complete Swim22 for Diabetes UK. Unfortunately it’s still not clear when the health clubs and leisure centres can reopen, hopefully it will be July 2.

The two things that is keeping my spirits up is knowing that we will be able to travel soon to visit family and go on holiday. Whether we combine the two together isn’t a certainty yet.

It’s sad that even though I prefer a quiet life this day I resent not being able to have a break even for a few days. Over the past few years we have enjoyed going to Scotland and other parts of the UK for a week. Our pleasure has been walking the dogs in the countryside while away and looking round other towns and villages.

Boredom and starting new hobbies

Life isn’t getting any better as we’re still being restricted on what we can do. I will be very happy when we go back to the health club and being able to swim gain. It’s not that I mind being at home but each day feels the same with nothing to look forward to. We both want to see our great niece but the distance is the problem as it’s about 260 miles away and we would have to come back on the same day.

It’s hard on my sister, brother in law and their children plus families as they are close. In normal circumstances they would see each other regularly particularly the grandchildren. Today my sister and brother in law were able to go the funeral of his brother which is a sad event but at least they could go.

A huge impact on my well being has been wallowing on things that make me sad. The main one being adoption as it caused me suffer with severe depression – already suffered with depression – and wakng up accepting I have P.T.S.D. It’s never been ‘officially’ diagnosed as doctors generally don’t understand how traumatic it is being denied the right to raise a child. I only realised due to others finally being told they suffer with P.T.S.D. due to their children being adopted.

Only yesterday I was feeling very frustrated talking with a new acquaintance Rick and I have made. We met up with him in the afternoon as he is also a Christian. He came out with comments such as us being prejudiced which got my back up then tried to include himself. Out of frustration, I gave a couple of examples of why we’re not. We both have our faults which we will admit to but it was hard work to get him to listen. One of the examples was a lesbian neighbour we had who was the first person we trusted with a key to our home. She would feed our cats whenever we went out – that example was in reference to ministers thinking we were potentially homophobic. Neither of us has a homophobic bone in our bodies and we have and have had friends over the years that are part of the LGBT community. I would trust them more than some people I’ve known for many years.

The other example was over my son and I told the acquaintance that there is a lot of history between us but wouldn’t go into all of it. He asked me if my son had been in trouble or was gay. I said no to both then asked him if he was adopted to which he said no but he wished he had been as he had suffered abuse from his dad. I simply said some adoptive parents can be abusive as well then went on to say that he wouldn’t understand the history between my son and me. I did explain that I will always ove my son but I don’t like his behaviour and said about some of the issues. I don’t think he really ‘got it’ but I did make it clear that because I love my son I will always be there for him but at the same time it was acceptable not to like his behaviour at times.

It’s hard to explain when someone doesn’t understand adoption and yesterday I wasn’t in the mood to try to explain to someone who is very full of himself and his Christian beliefs. I have had a conversation or two with my sister about it due to one of her granddaughters dying a day after being born. It is still a tragic death and one my niece will never get over, she will learn to live with the loss. Adoption and infant death can’t really be compared except for one thing and that’s the loss of a baby. I think my sister understood what I was trying to get at as ‘loss’ in reference to an infant is so profound that words can’t describe it. At the same time I said that whilst I understood the loss of a baby – adoption is a loss – obviously my son hadn’t died so I can’t understand the loss of a baby dying. My son and I reconnected but I still mourn the loss of my baby. My niece can’t reconnect with her beautiful baby daughter while she is alive as her daughter grew her wings the day after being born.

Coping …. just

It’s incredible how tiring it is being forced to stay at home so much. nor was I prepared to be in so much pain. With my right wrist, it hasn’t helped with the dogs jumping on and off the chair and landing on it. I’ve also had to deal with achy shoulders which have caused me to have problems sleeping. What didn’t help last night was going out into our front garden and stepping on to a slab which wasn’t on flat ground and I fell onto my left side, hitting my head and making my left shoulder worse.

It’s worse for Rick as he doesn’t have any hobbies except web design and playing games on his ipad. At least I have several hobbies so I can swap around what I’m doing.

I don’t think the dogs could understand why we started spending more time with them. They love it though as they are getting plenty of attentionand see more of our friend now as well.

Hopefully the health club will be re-opened sooner rather than latter as I’m missing swimming. The exercise has helped as a form of pain relief so I have missed that.

Constant tiredness and pain

It’s amazing how tiring it is staying in so much even with finding things to do to keep my mind occupied. On the other hand, I don’t like going out for long otherwise I get very anxious. My mood can’t get any worse as I am already rock bottom and my appetite is becoming poor but at least I shouldn’t start piling weight on. I have struggled so much over the past few years over putting weight on then struggling to lose it again which hasn’t helped with my mood.

My joints are suffering as well as I’m not swimming at the moment which isn’t helping with my health. Swimming is great for people who suffer with osteoarthritis as it’s low impact. It’s the one form of exercise I can do without putting a strain on my joints but as I can’t go swimming due to the lockdown I am physically suffering. My wrist has got so bad that I can’t use my right hand for heaving lifting such as shopping because the pain is that bad. My hips, knees and ankles are also getting painful quite quickly so it takes me a while to get comfortable in bed at night time. I am also losing my balance more often so that isn’t helping my joints. Subsequently I’m not getting as much quality sleep each night.

There doesn’t look like any let up any time soon wth the lockdown. The longer it goes on the less likely that life will get back to normal as we knew it before lockdown. The north east hasn’t been as hard hit as it has been down south but the population is much less than it is in the south. It’s much easier to do social distancing here particularly as we live in a small town. I am worried about neice who is expecting her third child at the end of the month particularly as she has asthma. Our nephew in law is still at home with COVID-19 so we are hoping and praying that he gets better soon. He and our neice have been through enough over the past seven months as they lost their baby daughter last September.

The family knew she was going to die due to Edward’s Syndrome (Trisomy 18) and she survived a day but it doesn’t make it any easier. The funeral was a day after their son’s 8th birthday so it was awful for him. He chose to go to school as he ‘didn’t want to see people upset at the funeral. That was very deep for a child of his age.

Having a ‘good’ day

I can’t really define a good day for me at the moment except for my mood is better and I haven’t lost my temper. Of course, nothing is normal due to COVID-19 and lockdown getting stricter by the day.

It’s bad enough for people who suffer with depression but it’s also bad for everybody. I worry more about domestic abuse/deaths because people are struggling being at home and tempers are fraught. That said it’s hard for people who are losing loved ones to COVID-19 and not being able to have a normal funeral. It’s also scary how many adults/children are dying even though they have been fit and haven’t had underlying medical conditions.

We are finding days are bluring into each other and have to think what day it is. In a few weeks times one of my neices will be having her third child which is something to look forward to but we don’t know when we will be able to see the little angel. I feel sorry for my sister and brother-in-law as they won’t be able to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary as they would have liked to have done.

I look forward to when we can start having a more normal life. It’s so isolating not keeping to our normal routine and not seeing friends. I’m thankful for the internet though as a way to keep in touch with family and friends.

Low mood and tired

For several days I haven’t been able to post here for a few reasons and mostly because my mood has been so low. I am getting fed up with shop staff attitudes and yes I know it’s not the easiest job at the moment, particularly with obnoxious customers.

Today we took our friend shopping as he hasn’t been out for several days and Rick needed to pick up his meds. Our friend went ahead of us and joined the queue as like other shops Tesco is practising social distancing. When we joined the queue we were told we couldn’t go in together as only one person per household was allowed in. I said to Rick I wouldn’t go in as I didn’t want anything in particular and Rick said he would go in to get his meds but he didn’t want to do shopping without me. The staff member didn’t care and insisted we didn’t go in together but Rick could go in to get his meds. He was also told that just because he had a walking stick didn’t mean he was disabled.

Rick was allowed to go to the front of the queue. was escorted to the pharmacy and escorted out of the store. It doesn’t bother me shopping on my own but at the moment I can’t shop on my own so I was still upset when Rick got back to the car.

Before lockdown, I was coping with osteoarthritis as we were going to the health club three or four times a week. Swimming helped with my joints so even though I was getting pain I was able to keep doing things I enjoy.

Yesterday my hips, knees, and ankles had got to the stage where I am now having problems with mobility including standing up. I had a bad night’s sleep due to the pain and I couldn’t get comfortable. This morning I woke up with a lot of pain in my right wrist – I am right-handed – so I am restricted in what I can do.

When Rick got into the car he rang up Tesco to complain about what happened. When he was put through to the right manager he explained what happened and why neither of us had gone in to do the shopping and she was very apologetic. She told him that in situations like this there is flexibility and she said she would come down to talk to us if that was what we wanted. Within minutes she was with us with the member of staff who deals with these situations. We know him well enough that he was able to back us up that we are regular customers. Thankfully they agreed that we should have been allowed to go in together particularly as I can’t pick up much with my right hand. It was good to hear some common sense and the agreeance that not all disabilities are visible.

The male staff member went over with us to let the other staff member know we could go in together. What annoyed me a bit was that at least two couples were allowed to go in together and we saw parents allowed to go in with children. We didn’t bring that up but it is added ammunition if we get problems going into Tesco again. It should never have come to this though in the first place as we should have been believed that we are disabled so we need help from each other.

Lockdown, depression, and coronavirus

Since the coronavirus has hit the UK it’s been a wait for the unknown to happen. People are dying of it now and thousands infected yet there are still very irresponsible people not worrying about being in masses such as parks. It’s also a sad day that the government has forced pubs, clubs, restaurants, etcetera close down.

What is wrong with people?

What part of social distancing to help slow down the virus don’t they understand?

It hasn’t been too bad where we live even with extremely selfish panic buyers making it harder for the rest of us to get food in. I, however, succumbed to a vent in the middle of Tesco earlier due to selfish pet owners stripping the pet aisle. What was left was the more expensive pet food and small packs/single cans. Now I know it can be argued that I chose to have cats and dogs but up until now we haven’t had a problem getting pet food. They help us due to both of us suffering from depression which helps ease the NHS as we don’t need to ask for medical intervention regularly. We just ‘check-in’ when we have a particularly bad time. If the selfish buying continues we will be forced to ask for help which, in turn, adds more pressure on an already overstretched NHS.

I am worried about our families down south even though they have good support networks. It’s times like this we all need to pull together and for estranged families to put their differences to one side.

Too tired to care

After a week of visiting our friend in the hospital, we got him home on Friday. At the moment I am going over three times a day just to make sure he doesn’t over-medicate himself but we already know he isn’t happy that his medication has been reduced. He is also being a bit of a pain with being told that he can’t take any as and when he wants to the point that I’ve told him to read the labels. I have also got to finish going through all the meds he was taking pre-op to make sure I get rid of the ones he doesn’t need anymore. It was that bad he was also self-medicating and overdosing on over the counter medication.

It’s sad that we are doing this to keep a 61-year-old man from being childish and thinking he knows better than the rest of us. We had to let the nursing staff know what he was doing so on discharge she went through the meds with us and him. I have made it quite clear with our friend that I will do what I can to help him but he has lost my trust so there only so much I’ll put up with.

Due to everything that happened last week, I stopped sleeping so well and my mood has dropped very low. On top of that, I have run out of three of my meds and I am waiting for a text to let me know I can collect them.