My Life in 2020

daughter

Boredom and starting new hobbies

Life isn’t getting any better as we’re still being restricted on what we can do. I will be very happy when we go back to the health club and being able to swim gain. It’s not that I mind being at home but each day feels the same with nothing to look forward to. We both want to see our great niece but the distance is the problem as it’s about 260 miles away and we would have to come back on the same day.

It’s hard on my sister, brother in law and their children plus families as they are close. In normal circumstances they would see each other regularly particularly the grandchildren. Today my sister and brother in law were able to go the funeral of his brother which is a sad event but at least they could go.

A huge impact on my well being has been wallowing on things that make me sad. The main one being adoption as it caused me suffer with severe depression – already suffered with depression – and wakng up accepting I have P.T.S.D. It’s never been ‘officially’ diagnosed as doctors generally don’t understand how traumatic it is being denied the right to raise a child. I only realised due to others finally being told they suffer with P.T.S.D. due to their children being adopted.

Only yesterday I was feeling very frustrated talking with a new acquaintance Rick and I have made. We met up with him in the afternoon as he is also a Christian. He came out with comments such as us being prejudiced which got my back up then tried to include himself. Out of frustration, I gave a couple of examples of why we’re not. We both have our faults which we will admit to but it was hard work to get him to listen. One of the examples was a lesbian neighbour we had who was the first person we trusted with a key to our home. She would feed our cats whenever we went out – that example was in reference to ministers thinking we were potentially homophobic. Neither of us has a homophobic bone in our bodies and we have and have had friends over the years that are part of the LGBT community. I would trust them more than some people I’ve known for many years.

The other example was over my son and I told the acquaintance that there is a lot of history between us but wouldn’t go into all of it. He asked me if my son had been in trouble or was gay. I said no to both then asked him if he was adopted to which he said no but he wished he had been as he had suffered abuse from his dad. I simply said some adoptive parents can be abusive as well then went on to say that he wouldn’t understand the history between my son and me. I did explain that I will always ove my son but I don’t like his behaviour and said about some of the issues. I don’t think he really ‘got it’ but I did make it clear that because I love my son I will always be there for him but at the same time it was acceptable not to like his behaviour at times.

It’s hard to explain when someone doesn’t understand adoption and yesterday I wasn’t in the mood to try to explain to someone who is very full of himself and his Christian beliefs. I have had a conversation or two with my sister about it due to one of her granddaughters dying a day after being born. It is still a tragic death and one my niece will never get over, she will learn to live with the loss. Adoption and infant death can’t really be compared except for one thing and that’s the loss of a baby. I think my sister understood what I was trying to get at as ‘loss’ in reference to an infant is so profound that words can’t describe it. At the same time I said that whilst I understood the loss of a baby – adoption is a loss – obviously my son hadn’t died so I can’t understand the loss of a baby dying. My son and I reconnected but I still mourn the loss of my baby. My niece can’t reconnect with her beautiful baby daughter while she is alive as her daughter grew her wings the day after being born.