My Life in 2020


Exhausting depression

It’s been tough trying to concentrate on anything over the past months. Depression, not sleeping and lockdown don’t mix at all and it feels like it’s going to be never ending being in this situation. It doesn’t matter that my pleasures are simple it’s being restricted in what we can do or where we can go. We don’t even know if we will be able to go away for a break this year.

The one thing I am happy about is that we are going to have another great nephew in May. I have knitted a little jacket and now I’m knitting a blanket which I am enjoying even though I need regular breaks due to arthritis in my hands and fingers. Downside is we don’t know when we will be able to see family.

Trouble sleeping

It’s been getting very stressful not sleeping well at nighttime. I can’t ‘blame’ it on anything in particular apart from depression which is getting worse because I’m not sleeping well. Each day feels like a groundhog day which probably doesn’t help either.

We still don’t know when the health club will be open again though hopefully it will be early July. It will be interesting to see what ‘social distancing rules’ will be in place. At the moment it looks like it will just for members only, regular cleaning of hands and only so many members allowed in at a time. The speculation is on changing room protocols.

The weather is very unpredictable and I am fed up of being too cold or a bit too hot. A few days ago Rick had the bright idea to go on a longish walk when it was hot although there was a bit of a breeze. We were both flagging the closer we got back to home. I was shaky, had a headache and felt sick so I was very relieved to get home.

Lockdown, depression, and coronavirus

Since the coronavirus has hit the UK it’s been a wait for the unknown to happen. People are dying of it now and thousands infected yet there are still very irresponsible people not worrying about being in masses such as parks. It’s also a sad day that the government has forced pubs, clubs, restaurants, etcetera close down.

What is wrong with people?

What part of social distancing to help slow down the virus don’t they understand?

It hasn’t been too bad where we live even with extremely selfish panic buyers making it harder for the rest of us to get food in. I, however, succumbed to a vent in the middle of Tesco earlier due to selfish pet owners stripping the pet aisle. What was left was the more expensive pet food and small packs/single cans. Now I know it can be argued that I chose to have cats and dogs but up until now we haven’t had a problem getting pet food. They help us due to both of us suffering from depression which helps ease the NHS as we don’t need to ask for medical intervention regularly. We just ‘check-in’ when we have a particularly bad time. If the selfish buying continues we will be forced to ask for help which, in turn, adds more pressure on an already overstretched NHS.

I am worried about our families down south even though they have good support networks. It’s times like this we all need to pull together and for estranged families to put their differences to one side.

Happy, depressed and loneliness

Until I moved up to a comprehensive school I remember being happy most of the time. My sister and I were very much typical siblings and I had friends that lived on the same street.

Going to another school was frightening as I went from a small primary and junior school to a comprehensive that had about 2000 students. What made it worse was I was split from my friends which added to me feeling scared. The teachers, who thought they were being helpful, wanted me to sit near the front and on their left-hand sides. I am deaf in my right ear so my mum made the school aware of that. That just made me feel even more uncomfortable so I told the teachers I would move if I had problems hearing them.

I was fortunate that a girl from another school latched onto me who had plenty of confidence, enough for both of us. That friendship was strong for the next five years and helped me get through some difficult times. One of the first ones was to do with a family matter but I couldn’t tell her exactly what it was. Just being there for me was enough to help make life easier.

What I didn’t understand at the time was I started feeling depressed. I couldn’t talk about it to anybody including my family as I didn’t know why I was feeling so low. It just became a pattern in my life that I could be happy then suddenly felt miserable so I tried blaming it on hating school as I really did hate school. I would become moody at times so of course, I would get comments about it at home. I would just freeze up completely which just made it worse for me emotionally.