My Life in 2020


Feeling low

I am surrised I have let this go for about 6 weeks without posting. It really feels like life will never truly get back to normal. There have been local lockdowns in some towns but those haven’t affected us. Schools are supposed to be getting back to normal and opening up for the new school year. The unions have been threatening that they will refuse to open schools although it does look like they won’t get their way. I believe it will do children a lot of good getting back to schools.

We are trying to get back to some kind of routine with the health club. It’s hard getting motivated due to our lives being so retricted for so long. We’ve both been feeling run down, had colds and our sleeping patterns have been poor. I’m beginning to feel a bit better generally but my mood has been all over the place.

Out highlight of the year will be going to Devon for a break then onto Essex for a few days to visit family. It’s going to be a year since we last saw them aand then it was for a sad reason. Our great niece, Chloe, was born on the 21st September 2019 and died the following day. We knew she wouldn’t survive as she had Edward’s Syndrome (Trisomy 18) but it was still devastasting for our niece, nephew-in-law and great nephew. Chloe’s funeral was on the 22nd October which was the day after our great nephew’s birthday.

One of our other niece’s (younger sister of the other one) had her third daughter on the 29th April this year. I’m really looking forward to seeing her as we haven’t been able to visit due to COVID-19. A few weeks ago I chatted to my sister and niece on messenger facetime so I was able to see the youngest and middle daughter. The eldest was with her father that weekend. I have a low opinion of him as he walked out on my niece then she had to do all the hard work to get him to see his daughter. During lockdown he only saw her once in four month as he wouldn’t have it that children of divorced/separated parents could spend time in both homes. He then blamed my niece for not seeing his daughter despite her sending prove that he could see her. He doesn’t want to cross me if I ever see him as my niece doesn’t lie and no matter what she thinks of him she would never stop him seeing his daughter. That would only happen if he emotionally and/or physically hurt her.

No matter what differences and fall-outs I have had with my family I will always love them. Although it took our parents deaths to get me and my sister on better terms I am thankful that we have and being able to see her grandchildren is a bonus.

Boredom and starting new hobbies

Life isn’t getting any better as we’re still being restricted on what we can do. I will be very happy when we go back to the health club and being able to swim gain. It’s not that I mind being at home but each day feels the same with nothing to look forward to. We both want to see our great niece but the distance is the problem as it’s about 260 miles away and we would have to come back on the same day.

It’s hard on my sister, brother in law and their children plus families as they are close. In normal circumstances they would see each other regularly particularly the grandchildren. Today my sister and brother in law were able to go the funeral of his brother which is a sad event but at least they could go.

A huge impact on my well being has been wallowing on things that make me sad. The main one being adoption as it caused me suffer with severe depression – already suffered with depression – and wakng up accepting I have P.T.S.D. It’s never been ‘officially’ diagnosed as doctors generally don’t understand how traumatic it is being denied the right to raise a child. I only realised due to others finally being told they suffer with P.T.S.D. due to their children being adopted.

Only yesterday I was feeling very frustrated talking with a new acquaintance Rick and I have made. We met up with him in the afternoon as he is also a Christian. He came out with comments such as us being prejudiced which got my back up then tried to include himself. Out of frustration, I gave a couple of examples of why we’re not. We both have our faults which we will admit to but it was hard work to get him to listen. One of the examples was a lesbian neighbour we had who was the first person we trusted with a key to our home. She would feed our cats whenever we went out – that example was in reference to ministers thinking we were potentially homophobic. Neither of us has a homophobic bone in our bodies and we have and have had friends over the years that are part of the LGBT community. I would trust them more than some people I’ve known for many years.

The other example was over my son and I told the acquaintance that there is a lot of history between us but wouldn’t go into all of it. He asked me if my son had been in trouble or was gay. I said no to both then asked him if he was adopted to which he said no but he wished he had been as he had suffered abuse from his dad. I simply said some adoptive parents can be abusive as well then went on to say that he wouldn’t understand the history between my son and me. I did explain that I will always ove my son but I don’t like his behaviour and said about some of the issues. I don’t think he really ‘got it’ but I did make it clear that because I love my son I will always be there for him but at the same time it was acceptable not to like his behaviour at times.

It’s hard to explain when someone doesn’t understand adoption and yesterday I wasn’t in the mood to try to explain to someone who is very full of himself and his Christian beliefs. I have had a conversation or two with my sister about it due to one of her granddaughters dying a day after being born. It is still a tragic death and one my niece will never get over, she will learn to live with the loss. Adoption and infant death can’t really be compared except for one thing and that’s the loss of a baby. I think my sister understood what I was trying to get at as ‘loss’ in reference to an infant is so profound that words can’t describe it. At the same time I said that whilst I understood the loss of a baby – adoption is a loss – obviously my son hadn’t died so I can’t understand the loss of a baby dying. My son and I reconnected but I still mourn the loss of my baby. My niece can’t reconnect with her beautiful baby daughter while she is alive as her daughter grew her wings the day after being born.

Early Life

4th February 2020

I don’t remember much of my first four years when we lived in Tilbury except I do remember that the kitchen seemed big to me. Then there was what must have been the last Christmas there as I remember a huge Christmas tree but it could have been in a neighbour’s house. I remember my sister and I having a picture taken at our front door wearing our nighties. We also shared a bedroom even though it was a large house. Years later I knew it was because it was expensive to heat the house hence the need to keep costs down.

My memories really started when we moved to Grays. I loved that house and the garden which was long with plenty of room to play in. We lived in a quiet street so it was safe to play outside with our friends. My sister and I had separate bedrooms but we had to share if relatives came to stay.

My dad, at some point, started growing vegetables at the end of the garden and got a greenhouse. We also had a cooking apple tree, pear tree, rhubarb, blackcurrant bushes. redcurrant bushes and gooseberry bushes. I have fond memories of picking fruit off the bushes then ‘topping and tailing’ them so they were ready to cook. I was a fussy eater but loved the fruit pies and crumbles my mum made. As I got older I got better for eating vegetables but probably because they were home grown and tasted nice.